Here's Your Pension!
by Chiisana Pierrot
Summary: 10 of the PJO & TKC characters record their various random, and hilarious adventures. Third chapter: English 101 with Miss Cleo (baboons only). When Khufu's lack of understanding of English finally snaps Sadie, she goes straight to Cleo for help. Question is, how much baboon will it take for CLEO to snap? R&R?
1. Percy

Hi, guys. This is my first Percy Jackson Fic. That I've posted anyways.

Shout out to Abigail. Sorry for the wait.

To Ness if you're reading this, weren't expecting this were you?

Sorry, got carried away.

PJO – ME NO OWN

Chap 1 Percy

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It was a normal day in Camp Half-Blood. Swords were clashing, Travis begging for mercy at the feet of his plant-loving girlfriend ( with a slight anger-management problem ), Mrs. O'Leary tail pounding the ground causing mini earthquakes, the occasional camper slipping on her pee – perfectly normal.

Hi. I'm Percy Jackson. But then again, if you didn't know me, you wouldn't even be here. On that wonderful day, I was hiding from all the commotion at my favorite place in camp – the lake. For those of you who don't know, I'm a son of Poseidon, Greek god of the sea. And I know what you're thinking, _You mean that super old, super wrinkly, barnacle encrusted sea god?_ Half marks. He's not _really _wrinkly, nor does he look _that _old. That's a bit exaggerated. A bit.

'My Lord!' A gurgly voice said in my mind. I sighed. The thing with Poseidon's kids, sea critters and ponies have the tendency to talk to you. A lot. I peered into the lake, ignoring the giggling naiads whose language I've never seemed to be able to speak. I found myself staring into the face ( ? ) of what was most likely the ugliest catfish in the world. It made Clarisse look like a _fairy princess_. Don't tell her that though – she'll have my head.

'My lord,' It repeated. 'Your father has sent for you.'

'… Ok … '

'Very good, let us proceed-'

'You don't have any mirrors at your place, do you?' I blurted out.

'Place, my lord?'

'Um,' I scanned through my list of words that I managed to absorb from Annabeth's lectures. Be it Architecture or sandwich making, that girl would be able to find something to yell at me about.

'Habitat.' I said, satisfied with my choice of words.

'No, my lord.' It replied, slightly confused.

Figures. It would be the only one on earth that wouldn't want to burn their eyes of after looking at itself. Then I realized , 'Wait,' I said. 'Catfishes are freshwater fish, so how did my dad tell you to find me?' It shook It's head sadly ( Can fish shake their heads? ), 'The previous messenger was not used to our water,' It's said gloomily. 'It's last wish was for me to deliver the message to you, my Lord!' It bawled. 'Um ... Im sorry for your loss?' I mumbled awkwardly, patting it's head.

After comforting the poor guy, I waved and set off for my dad's fortress. Oh yeah, for future references, sea god kids can breathe underwater, no gills. Yeah, that and we have a very strong stink – probably the fish.

As I approached dad's fortress, the only thing that came to mind was: _green. _**[**_Yes, thank you for reminding me of my stupidity, dear girlfriend._**] **I was slightly surprised – normally when I see dad, I'll probably be in trouble. So quite often. But I hadn't seen the newly rebuild version of it before. Two tentacles wrapped around my arms. I turned around quickly, reaching into my pocket for Riptide, only to find myself looking at a pair of squids. Guards. 'My Lord,' they said in my mind. They led me to the family room ( which dad had insisted on getting when they were rebuilding ).'Hello, Percy. ' My ears perked up. There sitting on the couch in front of me, was my dad. I could already feel the grin crawling up my face. 'Dad-' I was interrupted by a bossy voice. 'Wipe that ridiculous grin off your face , Jackson,' As the figure turned around, my smile instantly melted off. 'You look hideous.' … Love you too, mom.

Ok, Amphrite isn't exactly my mother, she's just my dad's wife who hates my guts. Yay, me. 'Hey... ' I mumbled unsurely. 'Amphrite, dear,' Dad chided. She rolled her eyes , 'Let's just start the movie.' She said coldly. I stumbled, 'Um … Movie?' I asked. Poseidon chuckled. 'Yes, I summoned you to watch a movie with us.' He patted the seat next to him, the seat furthest away from Amphrite. 'Come, sit.' he said. I moved awkwardly to the end of the couch and plopped down. The movie started playing. The title, displayed in huge letters: THE TITANIC.

I stared at dad, giving him my best _out-of-all-ocean-related-movies-you-picked-this-one _look. He shrugged. 'It brought back memories of my youth.'

'Memories?'

'Yes. You see Percy, back in the days, my fights with my brothers were, believe it or not, much worse compared to now. **[**_ Shocking. _**] **I got into one with them and ended up losing. I was angry. I was playing with the waves to calm myself down. At one point I accidentally lost focus and turned it into a giant iceberg, and well … ' He trailed off.

'You **CAUSED **the sinking of the Titanic?!' I asked in a strangled voice.

'It was an accident!' He protested.

'Boys,' said a deadly voice.

We winced. ' Just watch the movie.' she warned giving us a death glare. We mumbled apologies. That woman was scary. She must have been an impossible mom, I almost felt sorry for Triton. I realized he wasn't there. **[ **_Yes! Im slow! So shut up about it! _**]**

'So,' I said, trying to break the ice, 'Where's Triton?'

'Come my friends, let us party!' the devil himself announced loudly as he slammed the doors open. **[ **_No, Triton, not Hades. That would be creepy. _**] **He had a huge group of merpeople circling him. 'Now, to me!' He said raising a bottle of … Beer? Then he noticed the three pairs of eyes staring at him.

' Oh Tatarus.'

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Sorry for the randomness.

10 reviews = one chapter.

Bye!


	2. Piper

I don't own PJO.

Thanks to all the reviewers.

I would like to know: Leo or Zia?

Post your choice in the reviews!

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**[**_ Oh, me? _**]**

Hello there, I'm Piper. Nice to meet you. I'm a daughter of Aphrodite, Greek goddess of love. Do you know how annoying it is? First you're doing fine, for a demigod, you still have some respect from others, then suddenly BOOM, you glow pink, you get thrust into a cabin full of make-up obsessed kids with the IQ of lint, and all of said "respect" goes out the disgustingly pink window.**[ **_You call me Beauty Queen one more time, and I __**will**__ skin you alive. _**] **

Probably the only perk of being a daughter of Aphrodite are the doves. It was few weeks after the whole _we-have-to-save-the-queen-of-Olympus's-royal-butt-because-if-we-fail-we-will-die-at-the-hands-of-Gaea-and-if-we-succeed-we-will-most-likely-also-die-by-her-hands _incident **[ **_Shut up, I know it's long so just shut up! _**]** , I had just ended a video chat with my dad. It was an improvement – a full 5 minutes. I strolled back to my cabin, I stopped when I noticed someone rolling in the grass. Why if it wasn't Santa's Little Helper. 'Leo,' I said, 'why in Zeus's name are you laughing and rolling on the ground like some braindead idiot? Oh, wait! 'Cause you _are _a braindead idiot.'

He froze and stared at me. 'Uh … Bye, Piper!' He said as he got to his feet and started running. I stared at him as he ran. He looked scared. And he called me Piper. He never calls me Piper. Only his stupid nicknames. **[ **_Yes they are, Repair Boy! Shut up about it! _**]** I shrugged it off and headed back to my cabin. Now I realize how wrong that decision was. My scream was probably heard throughout the camp. There on the cabin wall in florescent paint were the words: _Aphro's Dollies : Providing you with delightfully vain idiots since 300 BC. Now comes with plastic surgery options!_

My scream was enough to get my cabinmates to come scrambling out, some with halfway done make-up, some still holding their scrapbooks filled with celebrity cut-outs. They dropped everything when they saw it. They immediately swarmed me, asking me who had vandalized our cabin. 'What's the big fuss?' A snobby voice asked. Drew. Nervously, Lacy, my half-sister, pointed to the wall. Drew turned red. Blood red. 'WHO DID THIS?!' she bellowed. I remembered something I had earlier dismissed:_'Uh … Bye, Piper!'_ … 'LEO VALDEZ! YOU VANDALIZED MY CABIN?! I'M GOING TO KILL YOU!'

I charged towards the Hephaestus cabin. I slammed the door open so hard, Nyssa, another daughter of Hephaestus dropped all her spare parts. 'WHERE IS LEO?' I asked in a dangerous, but controlled voice. Her eyes glazed over ever so slightly, 'He went to Bunker Nine.' I realized I had unconsciously Charmspeaked her. I felt bad about it later on, but just then, I was too angry to actually care.

I stormed off without a goodbye. No doubt she would be wondering why she was just standing there staring into thin air. As I passed the woods, I saw a small white dove stuck in between some tree branches, fluttering its wings frantically. I frowned. Doves are the sacred animal of Aphrodite. Of course I was upset that one would be in such a fix. 'Hello there, little birdy, are you stuck?' I asked it softly. Its eyes rested on me. _'My Lady! Please, free me!'_ It said in my mind.

'Yes, yes, stay still ok?'

The dove fluttered its wings wildly when it saw me bringing out _Katropis_. 'There, its alright, see?' I said trying to calm it down. 'Good birdy, nice birdy, think of nests and worms. Nice worms.' I coaxed. **[ **_THAT IS IT! _**]**

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( Sorry for the disturbance. Repair boy was asking to be decked. He's currently tied up in a corner with a gag. ) Anyways, after fifteen minutes of coaxing, screeching and charmspeaking, I finally managed to cut the dove free. **[ **_Yeah, I didn't know you could charmspeak birds either. _**] **It thanked me. I was about to turn away and head for Leo, then I heard a yelp.

Will Solace was running around cursing something in Ancient Greek. It was something along the lines of: _Curse you, you little flying rats! Stupid Aphrodite! Stupid pigeon!_

I stifled a laugh. Doves were pretty birds. But they were still birds. It's their nature to poop here and there. Then, it hit me. I smirked. 'Oh Leo,' I drawled. 'you messed with the wrong cabin.'

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It was 7:30p.m. Dinner was over and Leo had avoided me like a plague. _Good. _I thought. _He's still scared. _The whole Aphrodite cabin had sneaked off and headed back to our cabin. The plan was about to start soon. Knowing Leo, he had probably went back to his cabin to avoid me. I smiled. Everything was going to plan. Drew shot me a look. _Is it time? _We had formed a temporary alliance for the plan to work. I nodded my head. 'Cabin 10, move out!'

Soon, everyone was in position. And it began.

'LEO VALDEZ! I'M GOING TO RIP OUT YOUR INTESTINES AND STRANGLE YOU WITH THEM, RIGHT AFTER I SKIN YOU ALIVE WITH ONE OF YOUR SCREWDRIVERS!' I bellowed. He squeaked in surprise and terror as he saw me charging. He jumped of his bed and backed away into a corner. 'I'M SORRY PIPER! PLEASE DON'T KILL ME!' He screamed. _Come on, come on! _I thought. He was so close. _Just one more push. _I decided. 'YOU CAN BE SORRY AFTER YOU DIE, VALDEZ!' I yelled, unsheathing _Katropis. _He whimpered and looked around desperately. His eyes locked on his hands. _Yes, yes! _I could hear myself mentally screaming. His hands burst into flames. 'Bye, Piper!' he said as he jumped through the burnt wood that used to be a wall. 'Now!'

_PLOP!_

I laughed. I could hear his screams as the doves launched their stinkbombs at him. One after another. 'NOT COOL!' He yelled. 'Nice birdies! Don't poop on me birdies!' The whole cabin cheered. We had completed the plan. I was supposed to scare Leo into trying to escape. The rest, well, our mom _is _called the lady of the doves.

Lacy and Mitchell were laughing as they put out the fire before it destroyed the whole cabin. 'What the Hades?' Apparently, Leo's screaming caught the attention of the whole camp. Even Mr. D. 'Well,' he mumbled. 'good job Petunia Mason.' I coughed. 'Piper Mclean.' I corrected. 'Whatever.'

Nyssa stared at her ruined cabin in shock, not even bothering about Leo. 'Wha- O-Our cabin!' Someone from my cabin snickered. 'Valdez went inferno.' Half of the camp joined in. Nyssa was purple with rage. 'LEO VALDEZ!' I smirked at him. 'Free advice:Run. Take it or leave it.' He scrambled to his feet and ran for his life. Nyssa, hot on his tail.

So that's the end. Now remember: Never insult an Aphrodite kid. Unless that is, you have a liking for poop.

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Yup. That's it. BTW, I'm going on vacation for a few weeks to Vietnam, so I won't be posting anything. But please, REVIEW!

percebeth4ever: Thanks.

Yingy Pingy: Idiot. But yeah, I like that part too.

Juli Beawr: Hmm ... 10,000? Give or take a few centuries?

Abigail: … I just did.

Peep: … Hi … ?

Abigail: … Yes …?

Electric Storm Surge: … ? … Nice pename. Are you Zeus in disguise?!

BYE!


	3. Cleo

Hello! Miss me? I know that I've been kinda AWOL... But yeah. I thank all that have Read and Reviewed my work. I'm rather proud of it and you guys just make me prouder. I love you all.

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Now, for my beloved reviewers:

binglebop: Haha, why thank you. :)

Little Chibi: THANK YOU! I KNOW! WHY AM I SCREAM TYPING?!

Guest: AH! SO THIS IS WHY I'M SHOUTING! THANKS FOR ANSWERING MY QUESTION UNINTENTIONALLY!

trustinghim17: Why thank you. I try. And MORE?! YOU WANT MORE?! WELL MORE IS WHAT YOU GET!

Peepso: Yes, YES. You know, dear, if you wanted to spam/irritate me, you could have just texted me. Not like you don't have a phone.

Jasonpiperfan: Thanks. I like monotonous people like you. So here you go.

(MAN. These reviews are just AWESOME :D)

Tissuebox123: Good GRIEF. I take that back. You want SEX?! Um, wrong writer dear.

(T.T My eyes are STAINED FOREVER)

Yingy pingy: Um, I said so. Duh. But you'll always be my fave dummy. ;)

Abigail: Hahaha nvm. This was so long ago XD

Louisa4533: GOOD. GASP MORE DARN IT. MOREEEEE!

Okay, done. :)

Now, I 100% do NOT own anything. Only the plot. All rights and reserves go to the lovely Rick Riordan.

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**[**_ Um, I think that it's my turn now? May I please... _**]**

Erm... Hello there... My name is Cleo. I'm a magician from the 21st nome. (That would be N-O-M-E NOME by the way. None of those ridiculous looking midget garden statues, mind you.) Yes. You heard me correctly. _Magician_. No, not one of those wishy-washy wand waving magicians. (I'm sorry Harry, but yes, I'm referring to you.) A _real _magician. Now I may not be much of a fighting magician, but I'm the brains of the magic family, if I would say so myself. But never mind that now. I'm just here to tell you one thing. Never, ever, ever, leave your pet baboon alone with a dictionary.

Not too long back, it happened. It was a typical morning in Brooklyn House. Explosions, Disaster and Penguins. That's the motto. I was in the library. The only somewhat peaceful place. I sighed as I brushed my hands against the crisp pages of the book in my hands. Cocoa plus books equals bliss. I took a sip of my hot cocoa, trying to ignore the smell of burnt pancakes. Nothing was going to interrupt me. Nothing. 'Cleo!' I winced. Never mind. I reluctantly put my book aside. 'Good morning, Sadie. Slept well?' and then I took a look at her. 'Bloody hell! You're soaking!'

She huffed and crossed her arms in irritation, scrunching her pretty face into a scowl. 'My sleep? It was fantastic. No chicken dreams whatsoever. It's the alarm call that I've got a problem with!' she yelled, dragging an uncomfortable-looking-Khufu out from behind her, holding a suspiciously empty bucket. 'Arghh?' She rolled her eyes. 'Look, Cleo. You're the only person besides Amos who can speak baboon. And I think that it's time,' she threw me a book. I nearly collapsed as it hit me straight in the stomach. 'Oof!' I yelped. 'sorry. But anyways, it's time you taught him a bit of English. Or at least enough for him to understand "Let Sadie sleep in"!'

I brushed my bangs away from my eyes and sighed. On the cover of the book in bold green words, **[**_surprise, surprise!_**] DICTIONARY. **I shook my head and stared at Sadie in bewilderment. ' A dictionary? You want me to make a baboon read a _dictionary_?' She shrugged passively. 'Anything, dude. Just help him increase his IQ to more than that of a sock.' she grunted. 'B-but-' I stuttered. 'SADIE! YOU SWAPPED THE WHIPPED CREAM WITH TOOTHPASTE?! GET UP HERE NOW!' I bit my lip, trying to stifle a giggle.

Sadie rolled her eyes but shot me a smirk. 'Food-swap. Classic. Well, I'd better go before Carter gets his panties in a twist. Ta!' She swung open the door, and grinned at me. 'Good luck. You're gonna need it.' I massaged me temples in annoyance. 'Thanks. I thin-'

'SADIE KANE!'

'Stuff a sock in it, would you!' she shrieked in return as she plodded up the stairs, leaving me with the baboon. Khufu stared at me, and I stared back at him. 'Well. I suppose that we should get started, yeah? C'mon dear.' I mumbled grabbing him by the hand ( paw? ) and dragging him towards the couch. 'This is a dictionary. It's a type of book-' I stopped when I noticed the look he was giving me. Like, _yeah. I think that I've figured that out already. _I brushed loose strands of hair behind my ear and cleared my throat. 'Okay. Nevermind that. Well, let's just go through the words with you. So when Sadie tells you to "stop" she means for you to, ehem, _argh eee_.' I said slowly, hoping that my accent was correct. Baboon was an awfully hard language to master.

'CLEO!'

I snapped out of my daydreams. 'Oh. Hello, Felix. What's up?' 'The penguins!' he wailed. 'Julius casted a spell on them and now they're big and fat' I shook my head and giggled. 'Well,' I enquired, ' aren't they always big and fat?' He shook his head so viciously, it nearly fell off his neck. 'Yes! No! Just, come!' he rambled on as he grabbed my wrist and yanked me up the stairs and into the living room.

I smiled as I surveyed the scene before me. Penguins, waddling around in an icy wonderland that used to be a fireplace. That -I was used to. Penguins floating around like balloons in an icy wonderland that used to be a fireplace, not so much. 'A bloating spell. ' I mumbled. 'That's not too hard to fix. Just... Hold your breath for a while' He looked at me, confused. 'What? I don't-' I raised my wand, _release gas._

The smell had Felix rolling on the floor gasping for air.I had already cast a protection charm on myself. 'I warned you.' I muttered under my breath as I stumbled back towards the library staircase, trying not to step on him.

My eyes followed all the shredded pages of what used to be a dictionary straight to the source. ' Wh-wh-what did you do?' I shrieked at the top of my lungs. Khufu stared back at me, his eyes wide. His jaw dropped and a disgusting drool-covered lump of what I assumed was part of the dictionary dropped out of it. The large letter O was printed on the slobbery paper. 'Oh, no. Khufu, you little... You little.. Gah!' I screamed as I lunged at him.

'Cleo! Felix won't stop blubbering and moaning about you and some... Gas? Cleo? What's all that noise-' Sadie burst into the library. Her eyes widened at the sight before her. I let go of Khufu and dropped the dictionary ( or what was left intact) . Or maybe she was staring at the fallen bookshelves and the upturned tables. 'Um, hi Sadie! Good news! He knows now that dictionaries mean "no".'

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Alrighty! All done. YES. It finally got the TKC bits I promised you. Yeah, I know that this isn't one of my better chapters. I'm sorry about that. But anyways. I really want to change the name of this story. Here's Your Pension to The Daily Lives of Modern Non-mortals. So, tell me if I should change it on the poll on my profile or in a review, please. Thanks!

P OUT .


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